7 days    [

    Well, it's now August 2000 & I still have yet to find the right inspration to 'do something' with these notes. This file is virtually a word-for-word transcript of what I scribbbled on little scraps of paper during a quite phenomenal 7 days in Acacia ward in February 1999. The short version is that I was as angry and atheistic as any humn who ever walked this planet then completely unexpectedly I experienced a Satori (or spiritual awakening) on a psychiatric ward. The details of that experience is what these notes represent ... maybe one day I'll return to these notes ... or I may leave them as is ...

Well, it only took me what 5 weeks or so to start! .... AND with Brianna, Rachel, Leonard and consumer rep and visiting people - well maybe NOT Christine! disappointing! will I have any time or energy !!!

"You don't understand. I'm like a drug addict. In order to get my daily dose of psychotic ecstasy I have to carry around thoughts in my head that would absolutely shatter anyone else's tiny little mind."

"Okay, you can visit as long as you accept my version of reality"

Ooooh! One thing I hadn't anticipated! psychotic people COULD be dangerous or violent!

"I can't take you with me - you'd have to let go of your comfortable view of reality"

Jeees it ALL came out! - God scrambling people's brains, psychotic powers, reality, extreme aggravation at being pulled back to a low level of reality to deal with dull minds, agony & ecstasy, VERY tough balancing act, NOT yet perfected, I really AM in again! SOME of these people should be pumped full of chemicals! Oh yeah plus the classic! - did it really happen just because it is in your memory!

I really did an astonishing job of NOT getting upset or unreasonable! in the face of what I see as ridiculous treatment. No, that's better ! - I have taken it as far as I can - you people and your ideas are like an anchor holding me back. I have to cut the anchor free! Of course I may change my mind in 10 seconds time. I am not like you people - my mind is a fluid ocean alive with a billion possibilities you can't even begin to imagine. My mind has been shattered in a beautiful and magical way. I am in para dise and it is here that I shall stay.

Even more comes out - It is like I am split between 2 realities and sometimes I get stranded between the two. And I NEVER KNOW whether I will be able to lock into your reality at all. That's the trouble -NO decision I ever make is final because I immediately question it. I can hold diametrically opposite ideas in my head at the same time and accept them both. I have been protecting you all from this stuff for years. It is like I am operating a puppet and often it seems real but then it can instantly seem un real like someone turning a switch on and off in my mind. At times it is like an out of body experience. My mind just freezes into an instant of shattering clarity and no thoughts can be formed inside it. ... There may be a presence in the house ... Melon may be spirit or alien ... live on a farm or an island ... shed out back of Flinders? ...

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Part of me wants to protect you from this but another part wants to hurt you with it and yet another part of me wants to shatter your minds so you can experience it and see that it is real.

Occasionally I am very repentant "It is all my fault. I have created a false illusion (pun) in my mind and I will have to live with it."

"Good news! I have been able to incorporate your reality into my reality but it might not last very long, so make the most of it."

In a blinding revelation, I thought maybe I am an angel (or at least in telepathic communication with them) and I need to suffer the worst of the human condition so that it can be repaired. "Psychosis is a label. Once you have labelled something you have instantly misunderstood it"

If I had the secret of life and I kept it to myself, would that be selfish of me? Of course it is not a perfect solution but it is the best I have come up with so far. My main problem is that people never change. People are afraid of anything they do not understand. If they could embrace their fears instead of burying them they would be infinitely better off.

"I am subatomic and Transatlantic!"

Oooh now a bit scary! Hyped and Manic and exhausted - sometimes it is effortless, sometimes it is impossible .... NOW! I am watching things I would normally NOT be into or see as silly or irritating and yet I am getting right into them! Intense people I'd normally shy away from or get freaked out but I'm actually feeding off their energy ... and even embracing everyone's reality ...

"My view of reality can fluctuate from one moment to the next. One moment I am an alien parasite feeding off the psychotic energy around me. The next moment I am an angel sent from Heaven above to experience the worst of human lifetimes in order to repair the world in an evolutionary, co-operative, regenerative process. The next minute I am a viking in the 12th century forced to endure the ignorance of those around me. Each moment blends into the next with no awareness of any of the others.

YET! the ultimate breakthrough comes when these ideas cease to be ideas composed of words requiring a conscious effort to remember them and focus on them. An idea has power in itself but its ultimate power comes when it ceases to be an idea. Note this applies to the idea I have just expressed. It is an infinite cycle

Then letter to di? about soul mates and connection (after crying and sleepless night?) I feel connected to you on a level even I don't understand. But the best things in life are those we can't fully explain. I honestly don't know if it is "true love" but I'd like to find out. For once I am NOT overanalysing this - which is amazing for me!! I am going with the flow ... I'd be prepared to give up my psychosis for you! which is something I have never said to anyone!! I trust you completely and I have also nev er said that to anyone else. I think this world would be a lot better place to live if everyone was like you. Let me know what your honest reaction is - I feel so together at the moment it is blowing my mind. I feel you have been a big part of it even if you may not be as aware of it as me. Psychosis has been a way of pushing people away so they don't get too close. I want you to get as close as you want, which I also have never said to anyone. You are loyal, honest, strong, sexy and have a great energy lev el and sense of humour. You genuinely care about other people and most people I am sure feel good just talking to you or being near you. I know I do. I hope you accept this letter in the spirit it is written. It is a gift from me to you given in the hope maybe you have at least some of the same feelings. If you don't well just tell me. I won't be shattered. I would be a bit deflated but I can live with that. I'm gald I told you anyway, even if there is no reciprocal feelings along those lines.

Dr Kruk mentions Nietzsche! The huge difference is I am prepared to rethink and be flexible! where his choice was to remain brilliant but destructive! Ultimately self-destructive!

That was page 14, next I have is page 17 ?? numbers inaccurate ??

There will again come a time when the world will once again believe in magic and personal integrity and the forests will echo with laughter. In the meantime, if you wish to find the messiah, the saviour of mankind, then simplytake a look in your local psychiatric facility.

Don't bother me just at the moment, I'm trying to rearrange the thought patterns of the entire human race. It's very tricky work.

This could be SOME Newsletter! - poems, pub98, and stories of sleepless nights in Acacia composing love letters to Dianne! and other divine revelations! Geoff give him Psychosis - your master work!

That was page 18, next one I have is 21?? hmm .. oh well the world survived THIS long without it !

We are well past crazy and exhaustion and sleep deprivation but I still keep goin! - How much of a person's personality is "choice" if any? This is really only a relevant question when something goes wrong. The question would never be asked otherwise. Once the question is asked, you are already living in a deranged system of human life. Purification must be undertaken and this will be no easy process. Either for the individual or for the entire society. And in actuality you can never repair the individual f ully without repairing the system of society.

"That's alright for you, Gilbert. You don't have tiny subatomic creatures living in your head, drilling holes in your brain with acid. I will become a medical and psychological miracle."

That's to page 25 so far in an hour? not bad ...

[ Could include bits from "Pathways" ??]

Back to it .... "I was the twelfth burden of reality, now I am an angel at the gates of hell" poem?

Even decided! for Di I would try and take the pills ! boy! and pondered the future: - if I lose my psychosis will I be interesting at all?
- I almost want to be psychotic if that keeps her near!
- she could be my spirit guide? she talks about my "gifts" I reckon hers are WAY more important and real ! Maybe she is one who has evolved to the next level but comes back to help others! She has helped me in ways I never allowed myself to even hope for!
- You have awakened a genuine hope in me that I thought was absolutely gone! I will always be incredibly grateful. A lot of people in this world seem lost and you want to save them all and so do I
- I feel a connection with you I have not felt with any other person. If it is your gift to bring hope to those who are lost then it makes any of my so-called gifts absolutely PALE into insignificance! Maybe my "gifts" are more of a curse since they tend to isolate me and drive people away.
- You are the most real person I have ever known. It makes me want to be real just so I can be around you.
- I cried for the first time in years!
- I want to throw away all my writing except the nice stuff I have written for you!
- Tell her I fantasised - not sexual but sweet, just being together. I did that for an entire night without sleep !!!
- I can see why you believe in reincarnation and things happening for a reason because you are in the right place where your gifts are most needed. You do a wonderful job and if I had anything to do with it, you and all the others working in you field would be paid a king's ransom!
- You see things in me I never saw in myself. This is starting to sound like a love letter! I can never repay you for your gift. It makes me wish I had a gift of equal value to give you. I wish I could share our gift with the entire world,. It's a bit silly but then at the moment I don't mind being silly at all.
- Oh boy, this is really starting to sound like a love letter. I share your enormous compassion for all people, not just those in the psychiatric system. In a very real sense, we are all suffering.
- You seem to have wonderful instincts about what to say to people and I'm sure like me they usually feel good just being with you. I hope this isn't too embarassing or over the top.
- As long as there are people like you in the world, we have some chance of fixing up this mess.
- I think YOU are the one with a special gift. I am still wondering if mine is a gift or a curse because it has tended to isolate me from other people.

Still in overdrive! - John! - visit him? - interesting philosophical debate if someone is delusional, should you feed their delusion? YET it makes them interested in you and brings them out of their shell and they enjoy it.

"I understand everything and everyone all at the same time. This can be an exhilirating almost out of body experience but sometimes it overloads my brain and it disintegrates into a scrambled mess."

This has been my ultimate revelatory experience - I used to share most people's reactions when confronted by someone who is "disturbed". You tend to react with fear initially especially if someone is rampantly delusional or angry. But now I see it for what it is - inside everyone who is labelled as "crazy" or "mad" there is a human being struggling to get out. Sometimes their real self is buried so deep underneath the "symptoms" they are like a drowning person struggling for air. I'm sure very few people ar e equipped to handle the difficult job of working out what to do that is in the best interests of all concerned. It is a near impossible task.

Yeah, being in here with people in various states of confusion or distress or anger or delusion ought to be the perfect recipe for mayhem. And yet through it all, there is more genuine human communication and warmth than you would find in many areas of "normal" society. I think I may stay a while.

If indeed this intellect of mine is a gift and not a curse, I promise I will try to use it in a constructive way and not a destructive way. Holy Jesus! John and songs and vampires and sun's rays and steal thoughts and I make him laugh!! and he said I make him feel secure! boy! I never expected that! Then I said nobody's secure and he laughed again. Maybe that is my special gift to humanity! To be able to make delusional people laugh by feeding their delusions! It could become my crusade! he drew on my hand! The staff told him not to be in my face, so I said I like it and he can't actually be in my face because I'm in my face! ... everyone is in my face ...

Could do a lot for this newsletter! - at times I went from oh goodie, this environment is stimulating my ideas on the nature of reality and giving me fuel for a book and yet at other times I allowed my consciousness to merge with those around me and become a unified whole. When I wasn't exhausted, I really enjoyed talking to people who would normally scare me away from them. I even made some of them laugh. Maybe people like me should be employed to visit the deranged and cheer them up! I have an instinct f or doing this sort of work because I am shattered and reconstructed and I am able to relate to everything and everyone. I might even be able to use telepathic communication to reconstruct their shattered minds. I am not optimistic that this plan will be adopted by the current federal government because poiticians tend to have a low ration of imagination which ultimately is their loss.

It is also possible that I have a fairly unique ability to do this which would make it hard to train sufficient numbers of people to carry out this vital humanitarian task. I would imagine NOT many people leave a psychiatric unit and describe it as the most wonderful, magical experience of their lives to date.

I wrote in John's diary - I once met a man, Who showed me a plan, He walked like a dog, And talked like a frog.

Plus! 2 studies - and she is nice! - and John's Mum and maybe I am a beneficial alien sent to repair the human race from the black holes of their own hearts and minds. I have become the obsolete, translucent magician. I don't care what's real any more. That is a dangerous statement to make but I have incorporated the psychotic and therapeutic energy of the universe into my own mind.

(Like I said to Di !!! I realllly cannot remember writing a lot of this!!!!!)

On tennis court! Oh my!! The most inexplicable, gloriuos, shattering yet unifying experience of my entire life. My mind has merged with the ultimate creative force that produced the universe. God has entered my mind. He has given me a brief glimpse of the entire picture. God uses the only methods he knows. He cares about each and every living soul - animal, mineral or vegetable. He sends us angels like Dianne and others to lift our souls toward the light. Acceptance is the only answer. Explanations are unne cessary - you never really understand because God has his own limitations which people can't accept. ... boy !!!! ....

I cannot function in your sciety any longer. My mind has merged with the fabric of the universe and it will shatter into a million pieces if this situation is changed. You must not disturb the plans of the insane. My inhibitions and fears have dissolved. I have become the universal soldier. I play my dreams and I hear the sirens call. The truth is so mind-blowing especially in a world that has lost its faith in mystical powers and the power of the medicine man. If you know the truth, it will shatter your mi nd and you will be committed. If you absorb the truth you will be cured. If you merge with the truth you will blow your own mind.

I will admit it started as an ego-trip and when it stopped being an ego-trip it was even more real. When I finally stop analysing it and interpreting it then it will become even more real. It will simply flow through space and time and the nature of reality. I cannot calm down! This is a runaway train.

The negative, destructive stuff is gone as suddenly as waking from a dream. The only downside is that I can only partially share this - I wish it could be more. It is already becoming far more instinctive - all barriers and analysis have dissolved. Well, not entirely, but far more than I would ever have expected. They should allow me to stay in here long enough to perfect it! I have walked thorugh the fires of Hell and I have emerged purified. Purified to an extent I would never have really even hoped possi ble. I love every living creature and wish I could help them in any way I can. My simple message I wish to share is that something might seem to be unfair or a very negative experience then it turns out to be an enriching one even if at one time it seemed horrific and overwhelming.

I decided that if I view this new environment as somrething to be tolerated I would spend a lot of energy tolerating it. If I view it as an interesting experience, I would probably be less stressed out but I would still use up a lot of energy trying to interpret it and analyse it. If however, I chose to view it as a potentially enriching experience I would have to allow myself to accept the entirety of it all. After a while, it became an effortless and magical transition in which my instincts long buried be neath subconscious fears and insecurities were allowed to dissolve.

I talked to John Bingham about Astronomy and science and Newton and Einstein and football and flowers and keeping yourself calm when you feel angry or agitated . We also discussed music - he likes The seekers, Doors, Tina Turner, Bob Dylan, and Cat Stevens. I wrote him a poem and some Beatles lyrics such as We all live in a Yellow Submarine and All you need is love. I met his mum and she is a nice lady. He drew a picture on the back of my hand and we had a few laughs at my silly jokes. We talked about the s un and how it keeps us alive . He said i make him feel secure and I said nobody is really secure, so he laughed again. The nurses told John not to be in my face but I said it doesn't bother me. I said "He's not in my face - I'm in my face" and John laughed again. It was a lot more real than most of the conversations I have ever had with "normal" people and so I smiled my secret smile which always makes people wonder what you are up to.

At one point, I was sure that I was living inside the plastic dreams of the insane. It did not terrify me or cause me any concern, so I embraced it with enthusiasm. I lowered all my defenses and simply allowed the moment to exist in its own place and time. However, I am very ambitious. I wasn't totally content to cheer them up a little bit. I wanted to absorb all their agonies into myself and turn them into ecstasy. At times I wonder if I can truly do this. it might be that I am an angel in human form on a divine mission. I'm really not sure at the moment. I realise this is only one tiny corner of a very troubled world and when I look at the big picture I tend to get quite sad but at the moment it is not overwhelming me as it has so often in the past.

I feel privileged and yet also a bit guilty because few others can share this experience. Hopefully these few words might give them a sense of what it was like.

John and I also talked about our favourite cartoons such as Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, The Roadrunner.

And on the third day, I rose again. I rose from my bed at 6 AM having had barely three hour's sleep which meant a total of maybe 10 hours sleep in the previous 5 days. So naturally you would expect to be exhausted. However I decided to allow myself the possibility that exhaustion was not necessarily going to occur. After breakfast I walked outside and onto the tennis court. What followed was absolutely THE most mind-blowing experience of my entire life. I walked continuously around the outer perimeter of th e court for what seemed like several hours but was most likely only about 45 minutes. I opened my mind to a million realities and embraced them all simultaneously without conscious effort. I did not analyse the situation although in some remote corner of my mind I was vaguely aware that anyone watching me would wonder why I was doing something so unusual. The presence of an observer would have destroyed the experience. Even if the observer was part of my own mind. I didn't' set out to make it happen or to f orce it to happen. I simply allowed it to happen. As soon as you start to analyse the experience you have destroyed it. It is like a soap bubble. It is beautiful and magical but as soon as you try to grab it you destroy it.

I like to imagine that in past centuries, when human beings lived in a much less complicated world and had none of our modern entertainment, such experiences were commonplace and natural and encouraged. Modern entertainment includes: Television, radio, sport, gambling, movies, hobbies, drugs and the internet. The "internet" stands for "the internal network" that binds all living creatures to their own separate reality.

My mischievous little mind dreams of a world where the only form of entertainment is a 2 hour daily stroll around a tennis court. We would need to build a few new courts since everyone would require the unobserved isolation of their own private playground.

I even had enough spare time to write a little poem:

Everyone wonders, If they are part of some great cosmic plan, In the meantime, They all do the very best that they can.

John mentioned Gilligan's Island. He said I was the professor and he was Gilligan. We then compared computers with the human mind. We discyussed the staff who make all the rules and protet us from ourselves and we decided they do a good job and that they are all good people trying to do what they can.

Even the idea of allowing it to no longer be an idea is in itself an idea. You are caught in an infinite loop. For a word to have any meaning, people must agree on what it means. Without this agreement, the word has no independent meaning of its own.

Every decision you ever make is the right decision at the moment it was made. Even an apparently bad decision is only bad from a retrospective point of view. It led you onto the path that allowed you to recognise it as a bad decision.

John loves to sing his favourite songs. He seems to share some of my musical tastes. We both love the dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. Especially the songs Money, Time and Brain Damage

Suddenly I became obsessed by a curious question. What if the ultimate secrets of the universe were locked away inside the mind of a person inside your local psychiatric facility? The question obsessed me for a moment and then it flew away.

(Well! Did it get regurgitated! ?? and !!!!! WILL the VERY thought of side-effects cause anxiety! Drink heaps!!?? ... VALIUM IF NEEDED ....ooooh! plus a blood test !!!!! Hmmm.... )

Call it "Three days in Heaven & Hell" - should appeal to gilbert! .... John is now attached to me like a leech!

Plus Harry! boy he should NOT be in here!

John and I had another conversation. We decided people should whisper softly rather than shouting. We also discussed the staff and how they have power over us, so they must use it wisely.

Sleep may become the biggest factor anyway - adrenalin is not inexhaustible after all! When the adrenalin becomes exhausted, maybe mind-altering chemicals are created in the blood vessels that feed the human brain. The ultimate step is when I no longer feel any need to write these ideas down on paper or spend any energy on remembering them as a "method" of

In the afternoon, I was visited by an angel. Her name was Dianne and she works at the Leonard Centre. She asked me how I was feeling. We talked for a while and it really lifted my spirits to see her.

Then someone came and led me into a small room where my blood was taken from me. I later joked to John that they were vampires. He laughed at this idea and then I said maybe they were using my blood to create a new race of super-beings. John remembered that I had once told him that I was from the planet Krypton, so I must be superman.

I tried to write a poem but it didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped:

I told the doctor my soul was hurting, He gave me pills to calm my brain, Then he made sure the staff were alerting They must all think that I'm insane.

At times I do lose confidence and a little voice inside my head says that I am not a prophet sent from God. This is all just a silly fantasy created by your subconscious to help you deal with the fact that you have a defective personality which doesn't enable you to deal with people in an enjoyable manner and get close to them.

Sometimes there is so much going on in my head I can't handle it - I am receiving a million at once and I tell them to SLOW it down because my mind cannot cope.

Di - You and I seem to be on the same wavelength - spiritually and maybe even emotionally - we both want to fix the world around us but it gets us down because it seems such a huge task. I don't think I can save the world on my own, so I value ANY strength I can draw from you because I feel as if you give me a strength I never knew was in me. All the destructiveness has gone from me. Not just suppressed - it is gone.

It makes me want to save the world for you and all the people like you. Sometimes I forget there are fabulous people in the world as well as some confused people looking for answers. But I also lose hope when I think that even if the message is correct nobody will listen to it anyway because I'm seen as mad.

"I am the implausible"

Boy! It keeps flowing but calmer ... John and I had a long conversation after breakfast. We covered a huge range of topics including the Incas and where did they go. They built some large statues. I said I'd like to be able to build a statue but nobody taught me how to. We decided that they teach you many things at school but most of them involve destroying rather than building. John said he doesn't want to specialise - he wants to know everything. And so do I. I don't want to cut myself off ever again. I w ant to know everything and everyone and help them in any way I can.

I began to wonder if maybe these ecstatic moods were a gift to keep me going and not be overwhelmed by the enormity of the task and the sadness of a troubled world. We talked about friends and how everybody needs friends. He said that his friends oops - never finished that thought ...

I began to realise that I had not had a sexual thought in 3 days, which is a remarkable feat. I am seeing attractive women on the staff and simply seeing them as people with hopes and dreams and doubts and fears. God must have a colossal sense of humour to deliberately make someone's life so desperate and hopeless that they end up in a psychiatric ward to accept the ultimate divine revelation! At first, I wanted to use these ideas to spin people out. To impress them with my intellect because I thought I had nothing else to impress they would find impressive. And yet, even now there are many things I have not quite worked out. Normally that would bother me but at the moment I feel an unreal, almost surreal calm for which I have absolutely no logical explanation.

I reflected further on what a sense of humour must be at work here. A place like this, with every form of human misery, confusion and desperation. To choose such a place to deliver a sublime revelation shows a wonderful sense of the absurd.

I continued to do whatever I could in any way to help those around me. I helped someone with some new batteries for their walkman. I found I had not needed to turn my own walkman on at all since I was so busy absorbing the atmosphere around me. I madelittle gestures and waved to people spontaneously and greeted people several times throughout the course of each day. The non-verbal gestures like a "thimbs up" or a wave seemed to make people smile. If you acted this way in "normal" society, people would think you "strange" or at least eccentric. What a shame.

What I did mostly was have real conversations in an unreal place and be genuinely interested in the opinions, stories and lives of those around me. Maybe God is as frustrated as I am that he cannot seem to get through to a lot of people in a positive way that they will accept because he can't just force his way in. It would shatter people's minds.

The staff, I concluded had a tough job to do - an almost impossible balancing act at times. The family members who visit also face a tough situation and do the best they can with whatever personal resources they have at their disposal. They might be frightened and confused themselves but still want to help in any way they can. Just being there and listening seems to help. It must be ghastly to be in distress and have nobody who reallycares or even knows what you are going through. And yet, through all the confusion and distress, I have seen more spontaneous and genuine greetings and people asking "How are you?" and really meaning it. More that you might see in most of the world-at-large.

I walked out onto the tennis court again and I could feel the trees growing. I reflected on the fact that people all too rarely live "in the moment". It is a beautiful idea but the demands of a frantic society make it very tough. There are things to be done, timetables to keep, duties to be taken care of. Maybe we have made our lives a lot more complicated than they need to be. A lot more complex than is healthy for us. Deep down, our hearts, our minds and our souls are screaming out for a simpler time whe n people co-operated rather than competed, where they united instead of dividing, where they cared for each other rather than surviving any way they can. Where they felt part of nature rather than trying to exploit it and conquer it. I have no idea if it is even possible to return to such a time. It makes me wish I had magical powers.

Another half poem popped into my head: "If you could read my mind, What thoughts you would surely find, But my mind is only part of me, The best of me you cannot see".

On the fourth day I cheered John up again by grabbing a piece of paper and creating a poem before his very eyes. The words fell onto the page as if I had written the poem many years before: Flowers and shrubs and birds They all live outside I hear their songs and words And I never try to hide

Okay, it is hardly Shakespeare but the effect was the same for us. Surrounded by all these souls, I want to reach inside every one of them and remove their pain. Even if that means I have to absorb it into my own soul. I am still wondering if this is just a personal message or a revelation intended for everyone. I realise very few people will see my tale as anything other than an overactive imagination. Possibly that is all that it is. Maybe if you imagine something strongly enough then it simply becomes re al. I hope some of this helps someone to maybe view things from a different perspective than they are accustomed to. At times I write and the ideas simply appear on paper without conscious effort.

All of this does seem like part of a plan. My grandmother dies ... I buy a computer ... years later I realise the power of the internet . I have no desire to make a cent form this exercise. Just enough for everyday needs and maybe some books and poems to brighten their days. I want to relate to everyone in every possible way. If this is madness, then everyone should be mad.

John and I had another interesting talk. He likes the music of The Doors and remembers that Jim Morrison was often in a trance like state on stage. Talking Heads was another group John mentioned. I said one of their best songs had a good line it it "Well, how did I get here". The song was called "Once in a Lifetime". John told me I should have been a scientist. I very nearly was a scientist and in a very real sense I am. We discussed Paul Davies and his aim to unify the four fundamental forces in nature int o a singel coherent theory. Tjis is known as "The Theory of Everything". John loves this idea and wonders if maybe Paul has the secrets of the universe in his head. I jokingly suggested maybe Paul could ring us up and let us in on the secret. Somehow we then got onto the subject of how things are always changing. Maybe they are now changing so quickly that people can't cope with the change. This made me wonder about John's situation itself. I wondered if his tendency to "scare" people was really just a resu lt of being scared himself. Scared of a world he can't really handle. Sadly, I thought, there must be many people in a similar boat.

Gradually, I was coming to the conclusion that I had never been truly "psychotic". I have just been bombarded with so much and absorbed such an amount of the pain of the world it sometimes overwhelmed me. At the moment, I am so "together" it is almost scary. It would be scary if I did not have a deep, inexpressible, unexplainable conviction that this experience has a divine origin. There is no ego in me at the moment. No jealousy. No envy. No insecurity. No fear. No resentment. I remember vividly what t was like when I did feel all those negative emotions but it just that. Just a memory. I do admit to some frustration. Frustration because I want to fix it all and fix it all at this very instant. I want to reach inside every human being and show them the same vision I have. Reach inside them and dissolve their pain. This sounds like an impossible dream and I would once have laughed out loud at anyone who dared express such sentiments. I am not saying I have all the answers - I wish I did.

In the afternoon, an angel visited me again. The same angel as the day before. We went to my house and fed the dog, who was so glad to finally see me again. Di and I chatted about religion and the meaning of life and how tough some people's lives seem to be. She has a heart of gold and I said I was very grateful to her for giving me hope when I was close to losing it. (and other stuff from above!!!!) (no pun!) We also talked about Alice Cooper and Star Trek and the importance of never giving up hope and hel ping anyone you can if you are able.

Later in the day, I found myself once again on the tennis court. One of the lovely staff came out to tell me it was time for our evening meal. Her name was Rachel. I suppose it still is Rachel. She asked me what I had been thinking about, so I said "all you need is love". She laughed but then I said if we all just sat around loving each other, nothing would ever get done. Rachel said we need some chaos in our lives. So I said we need a balance between order and chaos. Enough chaos for a sense of fun but eno ugh order to keep things running relatively smoothly.

As we ate, John told me he was Dr Who. I said I was Dr Jeckyll and this made John laugh once more. Then I quietly consumed the meal while thinking of Dianne and how in many ways we are very similar. I thought about telling her all the various sources from which I have assembled my view of the world. I have absorbed many beautiful and magical ideas from books, religious texts, songs and poems and even television programs. Recently, the internet has expanded the number of sources form which people like me can extract some inspiration, if they know where to look. Then again, sometimes you can find inspiration everywhere you look.

Lance and I had a good talk over a game of pool. He told me how he met his wife and some other interesting stories. I said he should write a book, to which he replied that I should write it for him. Lance seemed to sense that I have a gift for writing. We agreed that everyone has a story to tell if only they could find someone to listen to it and write it down. John likes to refer to Lance as "Sir Lancelot" which gives everyone a bit of a laugh.

John told me he had the same birthday as Albert Einstein. This makes him a Pisces. I said I am a Leo, the lion, king of the beasts and that my sister and a couple of my friends are also Leos. I also expressed a desire to return as a hawk, so I could fly around on the breeze. John wants to come back as a leopard or maybe a jaguar or even a Tyrannosaurus Rex! He wondered if maybe Paul Davies might send him some money to buy more fags. I said maybe he will, after all he's a famous Aussie. John doesn't want to be famous - it would be too much pressure. I said we are the ones who should rule the world. John said we already do - with our minds. Survival of the fittest. Another peom just popped into my head, so I wrote it down:

Tell me why the world is so strange, Tell me why there is only one page, Tell me why your heart is racing, Tell me why your boots have lacing.

I was sure I could add further verses to this poem but the inspiration dried up as quickly as it started.

If you allow yourself to be angry, you only destroy yourself. You aren't actually changing the situation you are angry about.

John and I continued to have engaging conversations. Sometimes I didn't even bother trying to remember the content. I just went along for the ride. One long exchange seemed to cover many divers topics such as David Attenborough and his wonderful documentaries about birds, plants and trees. This led to a discussion of the rainforests and how we are destroying them - and just possibly destroying ourselves at the same time. This reminded me of the song "Killing Me Softly". Somehow this led to talking about Jo hn Lennon and his songs. We agreed that "Imagine" and "Give Peace a Chance" are both wonderful pieces. Conversations like these made me want to write the stories of every person in every place like Acacia Ward. I never do anything by halves. Maybe this would mean people stop seeing them as "crazy" and something to be feared.

Lance then gave me his email address and I suggested he should put his stories and thoughts onto a cassette tape since it is far qucker to talk than to write. That way you will be able to maintain your train of thought.

John said he gets angry, to which I replied that everyone gets angry but if you start shouting at people you will scare most of them away and might end up inside a place like this. I reassured John he would never scare me away no matter how much he tried. I added the suggestion that he could use the power of his mind to calm himself down. "It's all in the mind", John said.

A funny thought just popped into my head. This was nothing new for me: "I absorb everything. I absorb everything around me. Sometimes I absorb too much and I go a little bit crazy." As soon as I had finished with that idea, another took its place. What is the best resolution to any situation? Sometimes you just have to rely on instinct. But what do you do if you have no instinct for that particular situation? We have all become a lot less instinctive in this modern, hectic world. A complex, demanding world which we have created for ourselves.

Later on, I had another chat with John mainly about music. We both said it would be nice to be able to play a musical instrument. This led to us talking about how a lot of jobs are not creative or fulfilling at all and must get people down. One of the other patients is very flexible and he constantly practices martial arts. I felt a connection between us as I watched him even though we didn't exchange a single word. Sometimes a nod or a wink or a gesture of "thumbs up" can say more than a thousand words can ever hope to. He also likes to chant spontaneously in a way most people might find quite irritating or even scary but I find it energising and calming at the same time.

I have laughed more in 4 days in this place than I have in maybe 3 or 4 years. Genuine laughter. At times, uncontrollable, infectious laughter. Laughing WITH people rather than AT them. Laughing at the strange twists of fate life seems to deal to us. Laughing at all the crazy things people do when trying to get by as best they can. Laughing at the silly ideas that just seem to pop into your head when you are in such an environment. Laughing in the face of danger.

John saw me eating a banana, so he called me a monkey, an ape. I said "orangutang". It was like a spontaneous word-association test. Many of our conversations were just like this. No rules. No expectations. No subject off-limits. It continued ... "Gorilla" ... "Forest" ... "Tarzan" ... "Rainforest" ..."Trees" ... "and we are killing all the trees" ...

I admire a lot of people. In a sense, I admire everyone because everyone istrying to muddle through the best they can but some seem to have a lot more garbage to deal with. I am truly amazed at what some people manage to cope with and yet sadly they sometimes cope with it in a very destructive way and become filled with anger of hatred or resentment. I feel their pain. I have lived their agonies. It makes me weep and it drags me down.

I don't know if they are ready to hear it. I wasn't ready to hear it for such a long time. Ready to hear it and accept it. I wasn't ready to hear it and accept it until I had walked through the fires of Hell.

A series of bizarre thoughts flowed through my mind, as if they were part of some distant conversation only I could hear. So I jotted some of them down:

"I sing and I dance and I play the piano. I perform in all the secret hallways of your mind"

"People talk to me as if I'm an alien from another world and in a very real sense I am."

"I'm not saying I have all the answers. That would be egotistical and ridiculous. What I am saying is that a radical change in the way people think might produce some amazing results."

"People ask me about my beautiful lifetime."

"My thoughts exist at a subatomic molecular level."

"Send me an angel - and the angel appeared."

(could add a few of pathways? or martian ? )

I am relating to people on an almost sub-atomic level. I would never preach to anyone and tell them "You should do this" or "You must do that." I am simply offering them ideas which they can choose to accept or reject.

Someone asked me for a game of Table Tennis and I accepted their invitation. I think I lost the game but we had everyone watching us and joining in the fabulous spirit in which we played. There were some long rallies and I remember diving all over the place trying to get the ball back into play. During the match, I had the mischievous idea of writing poems and just leaving them around for people to find. Maybe everyone should do such spontaneous, unplanned things. I thanked my opponent for the match but I d id not really view him as an "opponent", rather a partner in a shared experience. This led me to considering what is wrong with professional sport - too much attention and importance is placed on the "result". Somebody's "joy" comes at the expense of someone else's "agony" of defeat. This argument can be extended to the entire Western view of the world. I prefer the eastern philosophies such as Zen and Taoism. I speculated that people would be much better off if they focussed on "enjoying the journey" and n ot focussing on the destination.

The Table Tennis match was played in a spirit I rarely knew when I played several years of competition. We complimented each other's good shots and laughed at the lucky or unlucky breaks we received. Everyone else in the room seemed drawn into the atmosphere and shared the experience. We both scrambled and dived to return the ball from difficult angles. We kept score and I "lost" but in a real sense everyone was a winner at some level.

I vaguely remember seeing John's mum again that day. we talked about kilts and other such subjects since his ancestor's are Scottish. Then Lance gave me his address and it turns out he lives in Garfiled which is very close to where my sister Denise lives in Bunyip. Lance was a bit surprised that I don't drive, so I said he would find I'm very unusual in many respects.

I feel motivated to learn everything about everyone - every movie, every song, every story, every religion, every sport, every history, every culture. So that I would have something in common with everyone and there would be no awkwardness or discomfort for anyone. People feel connected when they have shared a common exoperience.

John came by again, so we had another conversation. This one was mainly about movies and how some movies are much better when seen in a big cinema rather than on television. John said he liked the big sound that you hear in a good theatre. We discussed favourite actors and someone said "Everyone is an actor in some sense". Someone else said that people usually learn the hard way. Being able to bounce ideas off the other people in here has been a very rewarding experience. The best ideas are those which evol ve and grow when shared with other kindred spirits. I speculated that this happens so rarely in "normal" Western society, which is why some people become so alienated and isolated. Not a pretty thought but it has to be faced.

In my head, I composed a list of replies one could make whenever you have a "mental block" and can't think of anything to add to a conversation:

"I would have thought so."
"I know just what you mean."
"I can see where you are coming from."
"Well, that's one way of looking at it."
"There is always another way of looking at things."
"I can definitely relate to that."
"Well, that's understandable."
"I know just what that's like."
"That's an interesting way of looking at things."
"I don't know if I would agree with that completely"
"I get confused myself at times and I forget things."
"Where did I leave my soap."
"How long is a piece of string?"
"Sorry, could you run that past me again. My mind is starting to drift off into an alternate reality"
At the same time, another poem appeared in my thoughts -

I wrote a poem that did not rhyme I fixed it up from time to time I took it for a walk one day I found a game for all to play

A little later that same day I met dean who is about the same age I was when I first found myself in a psychiatric ward. He looks very angry and upset that he should be in such a place. It makes me want to fill myself to overflowing with positive energy then radiate it out to those around me. I would once have regarded such a statement as mumbo-jumbo and nonsense. Now I am not so sure. For a moment it semed a reality. I want to write so brilliantly. The motive used to be a desire to impress people by being clever and inventive. Now, however, the desire is to write in such an irresistible way that people cannot help but feel their spirits lift either through humour or through beautiful or magical ideas or even through sheer silliness.

At some stage I made the following suggestion to John: "Yes, John. That is a choice you could make but every choice has consequences and you have to work out if you want to live with the consequences." This may have been around the same time as we ordered a pizza. We laughed when we imagined the reaction of the pizza delivery person who asks "Where do you want that delivered?" and is told to deliver it to a psychiatric ward! The pizza was actually one of the best I have had in years, not to mention the comp any in which it was eaten.

I am often tantalised by the notion that the greatest book ever written or the idea that would help you the most is already on paper in a book in a bookshop or library but you haven't found it quite yet. "Seek and you shall find."

Dean and I had a game of table tennis, which seemed to cheer him up quite a bit. I asked him if he had played a lot of sport and he replied that he loved playing all sorts of games. he asked me about playing pennant table tennis where people are placed into divisions so that you generally have opponents of fairly similar skill level. In this way, you don't have to be a champion to enjoy a good, close contest. Dean seems to like some of the same sports as me. I promised to give him another game tomorrow, as we didn't want to disturb the people who were watching TV in the same room that contained the table-tennis table. I added to my promise "I'm not going anywhere for a while!", which made Dean laugh. It was good to see him laugh.

Somebody asked me why I am in a place like this, to which I replied "I sometimes get funny thoughts in my head and I can't think straight."

As I relaxed in the television room, my mind wandered along familiar ground. Familiar ground but maybe via a different path. In a sense, we all share the same experiences. We all live on one little planet called "Earth" which is warmed by the rays of a distant, golden sun. We all breathe the same air. We all have problems. We all have blood flowing in our veins, feeding the brains in our heads. We all have bones and skin and a billion cells and thousands of chemicals in our muscles and brains. We all walk t he same ground. We all dream the same dreams. We all share the same home. The differences which often separate and divide us are only as important as we allow them to be. Some people face problems that must occasionally seem insurmountable. I feel their anxiety and their worry and hope that they have whatever they need to find an answer or at least a piece of the puzzle. In a very real sense, this moment is eternity. Every moment is eternity in itself. People in normal society are generally reluctant to do anything that would cause people to think they are silly. But deep down we are all very silly creatures. So why don't we just let the silliness out and see what happens. Inside every one of us is a clown just waiting patiently for a chance to come out and play.

I feel as if some great cosmic force is communicating through me. On the other hand, I might simply be out of my mind. Either way it doesn't bother me. Every conceivable idea is waiting for someone to think it. Rash (I think that is what his name is) patted me on the shoulder. Some unspoken gestures mean more than a thousand words ever could. I don't think he speaks English very well. Maybe he doesn't speak much at all, which reminds me of an old motto: "It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a n idiot than to open it and remove all doubt". Rash later said something to me that sounded like "You look like the apple of love", so I obviously made some connection with him in those unspoken ways.

When I borrowed some more paper from the front desk, I decided to write a Thank You card to the staff.

To all the staff on Acacia Ward,

Sincere thanks for all your help during my stay in your lovely hotel. You have a very tough and demanding job and you do it so well. You do the best you can which is all anyone can ask. You could not do this without being special people. You work as a team like a well-oiled machine. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I love each and every one of you on a subatomic level. So I wrote you all a little poem-

The angels on Acacia,
Come in all shapes and sizes,
They give us our daily bread,
And lots of lovely prizes.
See you soon.

(Well, hopefully not too soon if you know what I mean)

P.S. Look after John Bingham. He is the saviour of mankind.

I wondered how such a letter would be received. Maybe with laughter.

As soon as I had finished that letter a poem appeared to take its place:

Out of Time

Time drips slowly,
In a place so Holy,
Time folds backwards,
In psychiatric wards.

I was born in the next of dreams,
I was dead or so it seems,
Icould never play the game,
I may never feel the same.
I smiled at all the secret puns the poem contains. Puns that would go right over most reader's heads.

After that, I continued to record random ideas as they popped into my head. "How do I do it? I see an idea and it starts off quite simple. Like a single cell. I allow it to grow and evolve in whatever direction it chooses. I don't force it in any particular direction as that would harm its integrity"

"I don't really know who I am. I have forgotten. I am confused. Maybe I am an angel. If so, I am very pleased to meet you."

"If I don't visit you, well you can kick me in the arse."

"I don't wish to exploit this gift in any way. That would destroy it. it is a gift but if I try to keep it to myself or exploit it then it becomes a curse."

"I do know one thing - if you hang onto resentment, anger and blame they act like an anchor. I know because I carried around such an anchor for a very long time. I never thought I would ever let it go. It is a choice - you can choose to hold onto it or let it go."

"I was born into the optical illusions of life."

"Ideas can change the world."

"People seem to trust me on an instinctive level. It is a beautiful feeling and happens so rarely in our cynical world."

"There is something beautiful in everyone if you just look hard enough you will see it."

"Every problem contains its own solution."

"Once you see it as a choice you open up the possibility of making a different choice. A better choice. As long as you don't see it as a choice you will always make the same choice even though you won't recognise it as being a choice."

"I have lived every Hell imaginable so that I might be able to relate to everyone's private Hell and possibly help them through it."

"I can't answer that question for you. I can't make that decision for you. You have to ask yourself what do my instincts tell me. After all, your instincts are all you have - you have to trust them."

Peace and Love Fit in a glove
Loyalty and devotion
What a lovely notion
Heartache and sorrow
Just hang on for tomorrow
Problems and solutions
With joyful resolutions
A helping hand
A healthy plan

Send me an angel
The angel appears
Smiles and laughter
This is the ever after
AND more of the letter is page 102 of the notes..... In its own funny way it has been a mystical, transforming experience. I know I cannot possibly ever view things the way I used to. I only wish I could share some of this transformation with others. Maybe I can. Maybe I'll simply be seen as "off with the fairies" or even "deranged". So be it. Humanity has ignored most of the prophets sent to it over the centuries so I shouldn't get too carried away. I mean if you have to go onto a psych ward to receive suc h a transformation, most people would be fairly reluctant to try it. Family members cope in a variety of ways. Unfortunately some can't cope and people become isolated when they really need someone to be there. I'd like to do whatever I can to help this situation. Maybe a book is the way I can get some of this message across.

John and I now refer to each other as "Brother". We talked about the science fiction series "Red Dwarf". I wondered if maybe we were all being sucked into a black hole. I also formed half a plan to bring in cartoon books for John to read.

This is becoming too freaky! Too effortless. John calls someone a gem. A diamond. I say, "You know how diamonds are formed. Under extreme pressure." Somehow we then get onto the subject of Leonardo and the Mona Lisa and how Leonardo invented a helicopter centuries before it became a reality. This led us onto talking about the Egyptians and "How did they build those pyramids?" Inevitably this brought up the Incas and "Where did they disappear to?" John said we have all lost touch with our ancestors and with ourselves. I think there is more instinctive wisdom in a place like this than in all the universities around the globe. If only it could be tapped and channeled into the world-at-large . But it would have to be recognised before that could ever happen.

I started tapping my feet so John said I should have been a tap dancer. I said that would be nice or even better to dance like they do in Riverdance. They must have such flexible legs.

That's to page 102 at least

And with April being a rather busy month! (with Dijana and a few dozen poems and minutes and forums and forum! and who knows what ... it is 26 days since I type any of this up !!!!)

"Welcome to my Nightmare" - there is more genuine humour and irony in this place than you'll find in most places where the sane, rational, normal people gather ....

More Kim ? - I feel connected to every living thing, which is an awesome experience but also exhausting because I feel their pain and their worries. Maybe I have been given some great gift IF I use it the best way I can and one thing you'' ahaveto say is I've always had a very inventive mind. I was even inventive when I was being destructive. I thought I had invented a way of destroying all possibility of ever having any hope inside me at all.

John often asks the staff if they marry him. Sometimes he says he is only joking, so I told him he was the Joker. I also said I'd write him a few more peoms a bit later if he's a good boy. At lunch, he said he's not a bee, so I said well give me your honey then. I love it - it's full of vital energy. It's a tough job saving the world but somebody has to do it. I am a bit worried though. Look what they did to the last messiah - he got himself nailed to a cross.

John and I had another of our now customary free-flowing conversations. I think he started to sing "Amamzing Grace", which got us onto the subject of bagpipes and how they are made out of stomachs. Then we moved onto the subject of honesty and John said people aren't honest, they say one thing and mean another. I said some people are honest - like his Mum, my Dad and many others. John then mentioned something about the fact that I wear glasses to bring things into focus. This struck me as being an interesti ng analogy. I said I'm just in a funny mood at the moment. Then we listened to some of the staff talking about their social lives and how they get on with their family members. One said her older and younger sister don'' get on at all because one is a free spirit and the other is conservative. A clash of personalities.

In the face of all this crap. in the face of all the torment of the world, there is still a small part of me buried deep inside which is like a little child and really feels as if you could change the world by magic. But if you ever express such a thought, people would instantly view you as a loony. People are afraid to think magical thoughts anymore.

Oh, this must be what "true love" is like. When it hits you, you JUST know. You can't explian it and wouldn't even bother trying to. You JUST know. This is it. You don't even dare analyse it.

Lance and I talked a bit about misunderstandings and the fact that the world is full of misunderstandings. This reminded me of one of my favourite songs, Strawberry Fileds by the Beatles - "misunderstanding all you see". I like to sing it while I'm walking along. I asked Lance about his pipe, since I have never smoked. He said different woods give a different flavour. I asked what wood his pipe was made of. I can't remember what the answer was. I must admit, a part of me still wants to impress people and da zzle them with my ideas and blow their minds. But mostly I'd just like to share my ideas and I'm trying to work out the best way of doing that.

John said he was a vampire. I said they took my blood to make a new race of super beings. In a place like this, John and his mates can feel free to express any bizarre or playful idea that eneters their heads without fear of being ridiculed or regarded as out of their minds. John once again sang "The Road To Hell" which is one of his f