FRASIER: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening. TOM: Hi, Dr.Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically. FRASIER: Well, Tom, distinguishing between passion and lasting love isn't easy, especially in the initial stages of a relationship. How long have you been together? TOM: Six years. FRASIER: And the sex is still that good? TOM: Man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, and three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common. FRASIER: Well...sharing common interests in the foundation of...three times, you say? TOM: Is that abnormal? FRASIER: No, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. May be you two share more interests that you think. Tomorrow why don't you bring home a catalog from the local university and see if you can't find a couple of classes in which you'd both be interested. TOM: That's a good idea. Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend. FRASIER: I'd wish you the same but that hardly seems necessary.
FRASIER, on Maris' 112 unpaid parking tickets: What do you expect from a woman who thinks a chocolate allergy entitles her to use a handicapped space.
NILES: Oh, dear, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Well, not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
FRASIER, to caller: And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thanks for your call, Jeanine. Whom do we have next, Roz?
FRASIER, on Diane: I met a lovely, if somewhat loquacious, barmaid, fell madly in love, and got engaged. Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button.
NILES: It's your turn. I apologized first last time. FRASIER: No you didn't. NILES: I did so. I remember clearly. It was after the shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
NILES: The man's a compulsive womanizer. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slipups. Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient? FRASIER: Well, it's a tricky issue. How long have you been treating him? NILES: Six months and we've made no progress whatsoever. Sometimes I feel he comes to me not so much to be helped, as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women. FRASIER: A hundred and fifty? NILES: As though anything over, say…seven isn't absurd. FRASIER: I would say eleven, but I get your point.
NILES, hearing Lilith is in town: How strange-I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping from the walls.
FRASIER: She's not like the old Diane-convinced the whole world revolves around her. And I'm not the same Frasier. The last few years have drained me of all my old animosities. People do change, Dad. MARTIN: You're right, they do. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said, "You're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me that go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed inside the body of a dead horse. But the new Martin says "Viva l'amour." FRASIER: The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.
 |
|
FRASIER: Dear God, shoppers are marauding through here like packs of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over to get to the escalator. NILES: How about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to Mace me? FRASIER: That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.
FRASIER: If you were stranded on an island, what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria, and wine? NILES: The Coulibiac of Salmon at Guy Savoy. "Vissa d'arte" from Tosca. And the Cotes du Rhone, Chateau Neuf du Pape, '47 FRASIER: You're so predictable.
MARTIN, on Niles and Frasier as kids: If one of you had something, the other one always had to have it too. I had to buy to Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, two pairs of lederhosen....When you finally left home that was one embarassing garage sale.
FRASIER: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist. NILES: My brother's too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
MARTIN: I remember taking you in for your first allergy shots. You were about five or six. God, you were so scared. I remember holding your hand. You'd bend over the table and drop your little drawers, and as the nurse gave you the injection, you'd take your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas in chronological order. FRASIER: Now I know why I always get a sharp pain in my buttocks whenever I hear Turandot.
FRASIER: Once a woman has dipped her toe in Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again. They don't fall often, but when they do, they fall hard.
MAN: I've got a catamaran moored in the harbor. Why don't we ditch out of here and you and me go for a midnight cruise? DAPHNE: Oh, well, thank you, but I think I'd rather be stripped naked, oiled up, and thrown into a South American prison. MAN: Hey, I'm flexible.
FRASIER, to precocious son Frederick on the phone: Now son, calm down...Listen to Daddy...it was just a dream....No, I promise you. Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. Now go back to bed....I love you too. See you this weekend. (Beat) No, you may not stay up to watch Crossfire tonight. Good night.
NILES: Hello, Seattlites. This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill his radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is Freudian, I am Jungian, so there'll be no blaming mother today. Roz, who's my first caller?
NILES, on Roz's promiscuity: She's had more men serve under her than General Schwartzkopf.
FRASIER, complaining about focus groups' commenting on his radio show: Imagine Freud being hauled into a roomful of Viennese laymen offering comments like "Hate the Oedipal thing. Love the penis envy."
FRASIER: Daphne, how old do you think I look? DAPHNE: Oh no, I'm not getting into that Vietnam. I've learned to never answer three questions: "How old do I look?" "Does this dress make me look fat?" and "Was that as good for you as it was for me?"
MARTIN: His wife had a gigantic rear end. Enormous. I mean, this woman must have had to get in the bathtub face down….and you couldn't miss the thing. It looked like she was shoplifting throw pillows.
MARTIN: It seems like I'm always being told to get my fee of the furniture, put a coaster under my beer, turn the TV down, I used to make the rules, now I've got to follow them. Is any of this making sense? FRASIER: From a psychological standpoint, it's making perfect sense. Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken from you and, in a way, you feel symbolically castrated. MARTIN: Why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?
NILES: I'd like a petite filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate, and I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle, not a true pink but not a mauve either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way and it's ruined.
NILES: And then she said she's been seeing someone else, that she couldn't live a lie anymore. I was dumbfounded. What about everything we'd gone through together? Didn't that mean anything to her? I'm devastated, just devastated. FRASIER: Niles, a patient has a right to change therapists. NILES: Yes, but this is the third one who's terminated this year. I've used up two bottles of whiteout on my appointment book.
NILES: Love's a funny thing, isn't it? I mean, sometimes it's exciting and passionate, and sometimes it's something else. Something comfortable and familiar. That newly exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table, or sharing a little laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.
FRASIER: Are you in love with Daphne? NILES: That's preposterous! I refuse to dignify that question with an answer. (Niles stirs his coffee while Frasier stares at him.) NILES (snaps) I don't know! There. I've said it. Are you happy? Oh, why couldn't you have just hired some beefy, Eastern European scrubwoman who reeked of ammonia instead of Venus herself? FRASIER: I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out. NILES: I can't get her out of my mind. You probably haven't noticed, but sometimes, just to be near her, I make up silly excuses to come over to your house. FRASIER: Yes, I began to suspect that when you dropped by yesterday to remind us to always buckle our seat belts.
NILES: Ever since the separation I've been paying women to touch me. FRASIER: You can't mean…? NILES: Manicurists, pedicurist, facialists…Whenever you see a man who's well groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.
FRASIER: Hello, Niles. Thanks for coming over on such short notice. NILES: No problem. I welcome the chance to sneak out of the house for a while. Maris fell asleep doing her needlepoint and she's snoring like Bluto. Hello, Dad. Hello, Daphne. DAPHNE: Hello, Dr. Crane. NILES: Actually, I was just in the middle of my workout, but I can always pump iron later. FRASIER: Pump iron? Niles, you've never even pumped your own gas. NILES, sniffing Daphne's perfume: Is that "Forbidden"? FRASIER: In every sense of the word!
NILES: Excuse me, has there been a young woman in here this evening approximately five foot nine and three-quarters with skin the color of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?
DAPHNE: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. You're both so full of questions. What's you favorite food? Do you have brothers or sisters? If you came back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?
MARTIN: I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing me. DAPHNE: Pardon? MARTIN: My dogs-my feet. What do you call'em in England? DAPHNE: Well, mostly we call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my Uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy on the Queen's Pins. He sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.
FRASIER, heated, to Daphne: The day I give a fig what you think is the day England produces a great chef, a world class wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!
FRASIER: Niles, you'll never believe what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors. NILES: Roz, you're moving?
ROZ: We got to talking. His name's Gary, and we're really connecting….All of a sudden, a bunch of people want to get off the bus, and I'm in their way, so I get off justto let them out and before I can get back on, the damn bus drives off. Out of my life forever! FRASIER: I'm sure another one would've come along in ten minutes. ROZ: I'm talking about the guy. FRASIER: So am I.
FRASIER: Remember you once though the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music? NILES: Was I ever that young?
FRASIER: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist. NILES: My brother's too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
NILES: So we decided to play a little prank on the president of the wine club. At last night's tasting when he thought he was tasting a Chateau Petrus, he was is fact sipping a Forcas Dupre. You see, we'd switched the labels. FRASIER: Niles, when you someday go up to heaven and you have to justify your life to St. Peter, don't tell him that story. NILES: We were just trying to be funny. But, as so often happens, roughhouse leads to tears. FRASIER: What happened? NILES: He didn't notice the difference. FRASIER: Between a Forcas and a Petrus? The president of the club? NILES: Impeachment proceedings begin next week.
FRASIER, on Maris: I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun…except without the warmth.
FRASIER, on the symbolism of Niles' chess games with Maris: No wonder. Tha king remains stationary while the queen has all the power.
NILES, on the inability of a cold shower to get sex off his mind: It's obviously an old wives' tale because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail. FRASIER: I suppose it was ill-advised. Being showered with coldness could only bring Maris more to mind.
NILES: Well, this has been kind of fun, but I must really run. I'm conducting a seminar for multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.
A Mid-Winter Night's Dream Written by Chuck Ranberg &
Anne Flett Giordano
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.17.
Original Airdate on NBC: 10th February 1994.
Transcript written on 15th February 1999.
Transcript revised on 10th August 2000.
Whilst Daphne is preparing a romantic meal for Niles and Maris in the mansion, she ends up trapped alone with Niles after a storm blows up and Maris is stuck in Arizona.
Here is a list of all the scenes used in the episode in chronological order: Act One: Scene One: Cafe Nervosa. Scene Two: KACL recording studio. Scene Three: Fraier's apartment. Scene Four: Frasier's apartment. Act Two: Scene One: Maris' mansion. Scene Two: Frasier's apartment. Scene Three: Maris' mansion. Scene Four: Frasier's apartment. Scene Five: Frasier's car. Scene Six: Maris' mansion. Scene Seven: Frasier's car. Scene Eight: Maris' mansion. Credits: Scene One: Maris' mansion.
- President "Roosevelt".
Street named after him.
- German City "Zürich".
Niles and Maris went there on their honeymoon.
- American State "Arizona".
Maris was stuck there after going to the spa.
- Generic Pirate Ship "Jolly Roger".
Frasier said Niles could work there.
- Canada "Canadian Goosedown Pillow".
Niles slept with this.
- Egypt "Egyptian Cotton Sheets".
Niles slept with this.
- Poet "Sylvia Plath"
Niles said Maris has a bell jar once owned by her. Plath used
to write depressed poems, one about a bell jar. She was married
to Poet Lauret Ted Hughes, but she killed herself.
- Book "Wuthering Heights"
Frasier depicts the most famous scene from the film version of
this book. That is when Heathcliff disappears one winter and
Cathy shouts his name into the winds on the Yorkshire moor.
- Film "The Graduate"
Frasier banging on the windows of Maris' mansion is very
similar to the wedding finale of this movie.
Here are some facts about Maris we gathered from this episode: - Niles loves Daphne because of his problems with Maris? - Maris has a Guatamalan upstairs maid? - When Maris is mad it makes Niles upset? - Maris' favourite spa is in Arizona? - The cook sides with Maris not Niles? - Maris can't eat: shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG (monosodium glutamate), dairy & nuts? - The mansion was in Maris' family for four generations? - Maris met Niles when she was banging on the gates with her fists and a tire iron. When their hands met there was a spark of electricity which parted the gates. They took this as a sign? - Maris married Niles three years after they met? - Maris and Niles went to Zürich for their honeymoon? - Maris and Niles bought a Glockenspiel on their honeymoon? - Maris usually wears something bulky from her wool collection? - Niles' love for Maris is comfortable and familiar? - Maris exfoliates her face each morning? - Maris has to stare up at Niles? - Maris laughs when they see people wearing white after labour day? - Maris' mansion has a linen closet? - Maris' mansion has gargoyles and a fountain? - Maris had an uncle Lionel who died? - The mansion's driveway is more than a hundred yards? - Maris has the bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath?
- Niles orders a double Cappuccino? - Niles prefers cinnamon to chocolate? - Daphne buys the coffee beans for the apartment? - Frasier uses beans not granuals? - Daphne likes The Kenyan Blend? - Daphne buys the coffee she likes? - Niles will not admit he's in love with Daphne? - Frasier cannot imagine how Maris and Niles could entertain themselves in bed? - Roz thinks Frasier could be sexy, at least sexier than Niles? - Niles is unable to cry, unless it is about Daphne? - Daphne could have an elderly aunt called Erika, but it was probably just a cover up? - This is the first time Frasier and Niles actually talked about Niles' infatuation with Daphne?
Nicholas Hartley: This is the first ever Niles and Daphne teaser episode and it wonderful. Some highlights are the "burning with the heat of a thousands suns" speech, the Niles and Daphne Cafe Nervosa scene and Eddie listning to the answering machine. Truly brilliant season one episode. A+.
[Act One]
[Scene One - Cafe Nervosa.
Niles is ordering his coffee to Eric the waiter but Frasier just
can't seem to get his ]
Niles: Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough
foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it
leaves a moustache.
Eric: Cinnamon or chocolate on that?
Niles: Oh they make this so complicated. Um, cinnamon.
Eric: [to Frasier:] And you?
Frasier: Well let me see, I think I'll have the..
Niles: [seeing Daphne at the counter:] Oh look it's Daphne. Daphne.
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, hello, thought I might run into you here. Oh please,
sit, sit. I just stopped in for a bag of beans, we're
running low at home.
Frasier: Oh well good, you know I'd like...
Eric: [intervening:] I'd be happy to help.
Daphne: Two pounds of..
Eric: [with Daphne:] The Kenya Blend.
Daphne: Hoho, you remembered.
Eric: Hard to forget. [Niles looks jealous.]
Frasier: Excuse me, you haven't taken my order yet.
Eric: [ignoring Frasier:] Most people find that blend too intense.
Daphne: Not me, I like something that holds its body on my tongue.
[Niles seduced by the language, drops the milk.]
Frasier: Excuse me, we seemed to have spilled something here. If you
could.. [Eric just throws down the cloth.]
Eric: I don't suppose if you would be into something robust, if it
didn't come on too strong.
Daphne: If it was a little bit sweet I might take a liking to it.
Eric: Would you like to step over to the counter to try my special
blend?
Daphne: I'd love to. [they go to the counter.]
Frasier: [shouting:] Oh, nothing for me, thanks!
Niles: Frasier, That man is hitting on our Daphne. I don't know how
she stands it.
Frasier: Look, Niles, apropos of nothing, how are things between you
and Maris?
Niles: Are you implying that my concern for Daphne's welfare is
anything less than pure?
Frasier: I don't know, you tell me.
Niles: Frasier that is your great shortcoming. You're always
distrustful, you're always suspicious, sometimes you just
have to have faith that people are... [spies on them]
ALRIGHT, WHAT'S HE DOING NOW!
Frasier: I believe he's bagging her beans.
Daphne: [coming over excited:] Oh I'm so excited, Eric over there is
taking me to a club to hear his band tonight. I know it's
not my regular night off but I'll switch it with Saturday,
if that's OK with you. [Niles makes "no" signs to Frasier
but he nods]. Oh isn't he lovely, I already have a nickname
for him, "Eric The Red". It favours him doesn't it, don't
you think he looks like a Viking. Well, ta-ta. Oh, look at
me, I forgot my beans. "Earth to Daphne". [she runs out.]
Niles: How could she like him. The man has "community college"
written all over him.
Frasier: Niles, you know, this infatuation with Daphne is really
getting out of hand. I didn't really mind when it was just a
flirtation but I can't help wonder that it's a symptomatic
of something wrong between you and Maris. Well is it?
Niles: Oh Frasier, I can't lie to you, the truth is, Maris and I
are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this
grey numbing blandness.
Frasier: Well that's perfectly normal, a relationship of some years.
Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
Niles: [silently:] You mean, boudoir wise?
Frasier: For starters, yep!
Niles: Like how?
Frasier: Well the two of you could, well you could, well it's you and
Maris so you could.... I'm stumped.
[Scene Two - Radio Station.
The next day, Frasier enters Roz's booth before his next radio show.
Roz is stacking tapes. She's in a bit of a bad mood ]
Frasier: Oh, hi Roz, how are you?
Roz: Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making
conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am,
I'll tell you.
Frasier: Well, I was just making conversation. Actually, Roz, there's
some advice I need.
Roz: About what?
Frasier: A subject in which you are quite well-versed, sex.
Roz: [losing all her troubles:] How can I help you?
Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz: I get dressed and go home.
Frasier: Let's assume for a moment, you were capable of keeping a
long term relationship, what would you do to keep things
cooking?
Roz: Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we
pretended we strangers picking each other up. Actually that
was kinda hot.
Frasier: So, you used to enjoy fantasy/role-playing?
Roz: Yeah, in fact we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the
next time he got so into it he went home with another
woman.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Roz: Oh hell she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone
home with her. My point is that women need to see the men
they make love to as exciting romantic figures. So I say, if
you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a
fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd
make a very sexy gladiator.
Frasier: Roz, this is not for me, it's for my brother, Niles.
Roz: Oh, well in that case, make it a gladiola.
AHOY MATEY!
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Everyone is fast asleep in the Crane household. Frasier rushes out
of his bedroom, donning a dressing gown to see to Niles who is
ringing the doorbell. He is dressed in a long rain coat.]
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry Frasier but something horrible has happened, Maris
kicked me out.
Frasier: Dear God, why? What for?
Niles: [takes his rain coat off revealing pirate attire, swash
included.]
Frasier: Oh my!
Martin: [entering:] What's going on out there? Niles? [he sees him.]
Niles: Hello dad.
Martin: Never mind, I don't wanna know.
Niles: No, dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonably explanation
for the way I'm dressed.
Frasier: Alright, Just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say
stop at any time!
Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for
Maris, with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts.
Then, I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find
me.
Martin: Dressed like that?
Niles: Actually, no, at the time, I was wearing only my eye-patch.
Although, is it technically still an eye-patch if you're
wearing it on your..
Frasier: Stop!
Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife
clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung
open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid.
She began screaming what I gather were some very
unflattering things in idiomatic Guatamalan. When Maris
came upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The
next thing I knew she was throwing me out of the house. I
barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.
[Martin laughs.] Dad, dad it's not funny.
Martin: Where'd you come up with such a stupid idea?
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: All I suggested was some sexual role-playing, you're the one
that came up with "Pirates of the Caribbean"!
Niles: Oh, I've really bungled it this time, haven't I?!
Martin: Oh, come on, these things happens. Why don't you just stay
here tonight with us and then tomorrow you and Maris can
sort things out.
Niles: What if we don't? What will I do then?
Frasier: Well, I suppose if you don't, they could always need another
busboy at the "Jolly Roger"!
Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again!
Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember. [laughs.]
Niles: [looks fiercly at Martin.]
Martin: Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to
tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked
outside in the back yard in my underwear?
Niles: Only every Thanksgiving.
Martin: Well don't worry I won't be telling that story this year.
Frasier: [entering with pillow and blanket:] Here we are, Canadian
goosedown pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna
throw in case you get a little chilly during the night.
Niles: How perfect!
Martin: I still say a couple of years in the service would have done
you two boys a world of good. Goodnight[he leaves.]
Niles: Goodnight. You know, Frasier, Maris and I have had our
difficulties before, but never anything this serious. I
really hate having her mad at me. It's times like this I
wish I knew how to cry.
Frasier: Oh don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles.
Niles: No, no, It's not that, I'm just not someone who
cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris' uncle Lionel died,
I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent
showing at the funeral.
Frasier: You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well goodnight
Niles. [he leaves.]
Niles: Goodnight.
[Niles gets comfy on the couch, however he hurts himself on a plastic
hook which he removes. He settles down whilst Daphne and Eric come
not noticing Niles.]
Daphne: Thank you again, Eric, I had a wonderful time.
Eric: Me too. [Niles watches Daphne and Eric kiss.]
Daphne: Well, Goodnight.
Eric: Goodnight.
[Niles pretends to be asleep as Daphne closes the door and excitedly
walks to her room. It isn't long before Niles is in floods of tears.]
[Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
The following morning, Eric is the only thing Daphne's thinking
about. She's telling Frasier and Martin about him as she's serving
the coffee]
Daphne: I know we've only had a few dates, but I'm already
exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love; I can't stop
thinking about him, I can't eat and I've bought myself all
new underwear. [exits to kitchen.]
Martin: We've got to get her a girlfriend to talk to!
Frasier: [nods]
Niles: [entering:] I just got off the phone with Maris. She's in
Arizona for the weekend.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Well she said she was so shattered by the experience she had
to fly to her favorite spa to contemplate the future of our
marriage from a mud bath.
Daphne: Well, it'll probably be good for Mrs. Crane, Eric thinks the
earth is very grounding.
Niles: [shouting:] Eric! Eric! Eric! Must everything always be
about Eric!
Frasier: Niles, may I suggest that when Maris returns, you both
invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's
a Reichian group...
Martin: [to Daphne:] Blah, blah, blah, blah [to Niles:] Look, all
Maris needs to know is that you love her. Buy her some
flowers, fix her a nice romantic dinner, that's enough to
make any woman forgive you.
Niles: Do you really think that will work?
Martin: If it didn't, you wouldn't be here!
Niles: Well, I'd be willing to try, but it's impossible. Our cook
walked out in sympathy with Maris.
Daphne: Well, I could help you prepare something, I have a late date
with Eric... [Niles turns round angrily:]..a. An elderly
aunt, Erika, but I could come over early and have everything
ready by the time Mrs. Crane arrives.
Niles: Well thank you Daphne.
Daphne: Now, what do you think Mrs. Crane would like for dinner?
Niles: Oh, you have free reign. Just bare in mind she can't have
shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates,
wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!
[End of Act One] [Time: 10:30]
[Act Two]
IT WAS A DARK
AND STORMY NIGHT
NO, REALLY
[Scene One - Maris' Mansion.
At Maris' mansion, a very wet Daphne is helped into the main area by
Niles. They walk down the steps.]
Niles: Come in Daphne and warm yourself by the fire. How did you get
so wet?
Daphne: One of your trees blew down in your driveway. I had to walk
the last hundred yards. [Niles takes her coat.] I must say
you have a beautiful home.
Niles: Thank you. Actually, it was in Maris' family for four
generations. When I was an mere intern I used to drive
through these hills never dreaming that one day I'd live in
one of these great mansions. Then one afternoon, there was
Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the gates with her
little fists and a tire iron.
Daphne: [now by the fire:] They locked her in?
Niles: No, no, that was much later. No, this time she was returning
from the Antique-Mart with a rare bell jar once owned by
Sylvia Plath, when the gates failed to open. Well naturally,
I stopped to offer my assistance. And as our hands touched
there was a sudden spark of electricity, then as if by magic
the gates parted before us and we took it as a sign.
Daphne: You knew you were meant to be together. [sits down.]
Niles: Yes, we were married just three short years later. [lightning
strikes.]
Daphne: [looks at Glockenspiel on the table:] Look at this, it's
beautiful!
Niles: It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Zürich,
I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better
times. It used to play beautiful music and now it doesn't.
How's that for irony! Well let's get you into some dry
clothes, so you can get started on dinner, and we can get you
home in time for your date! [Daphne begins to cry.] Daphne?
What is it?
Daphne: Nothing!
Niles: No, no, it's definitely something. I'm a psychiatrist, I can
read the signs.
Daphne: I'm sorry, I didn't want to spoil your reunion with Mrs.
Crane but Eric broke up with me.
Niles: [goes to comfort her.] He did?
Daphne: Yes, he said he couldn't commit to me and his music. He had
to stay focused. I know it was an excuse, I've heard his
music. He must have another girl.
Niles: [Daphne puts her head on his shoulder:] Well he's a fool,
Daphne, and if he can't appreciate you then you're better off
without him.
Daphne: Right now, I'm not so sure, but thank you Dr. Crane.
[The phone rings by the side of the table. Niles answers it, it's
Maris. Immediantly, he jumps of the sofa letting Daphne fall over]
Niles: [into phone:] Niles Crane. Oh, Maris. Where are you? What do
you mean you can't come home? Well, it's not that bad a
storm?
[Lightning, thunder and rain comes at once, then he sees Daphne
bending over in front of the fire]
Niles: Oh Maris, I really think you should come home. No, no, of
course well I don't want you traveling if it's not safe. Yes,
yes, I understand, I'll see you tomorrow. [puts phone down.]
Well, it seems like it's just the two of us.
Daphne: You mean, Mrs. Crane won't be coming? [thunder strikes taking
out the electricity.] Oh my, there goes the electricity. What
do we do now? [Niles acts as if he's thinking about his life-
long dream].
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Later, Martin is on the phone to Daphne, back at Frasier's]
Martin: No, no, the storm's really bad. You shouldn't be driving in
it anyway. No, you just spend the night there, right,
goodnight, Daphne. [puts phone down]
Frasier: You told her to spend the night?
Martin: Yeah, what's the problem?
Frasier: Well, you know how Niles feels about her.
Martin: Oh, relax! It's just one of Niles' little crushes.
Frasier: Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough.
Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.
Martin: Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.
Frasier: [jumps to his feet:] I've gotta get Daphne out of there!
Martin: Why?
Frasier: Why? My God, it's a recipe for disaster. You've got a
vulnerable woman, and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on
a rainy night. [opens door.] All we're missing is someone
shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors.
Martin: Wait for me.
Frasier: Oh Dad you're not coming!
Martin: Yes I am!
Frasier: No, you're not.
Martin: I am.
[Martin and Frasier leave the apartment, coats in hand]
[Scene Three - Maris' Mansion.
Meanwhile, Niles is playing on the piano in his mansion as Daphne
walks downstairs in a rather sexy and tight white nightie.]
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, you play beautifully.
Niles: Thank you. [he sees her and begins playing odd notes, he
plays a "de-de" finale to cover it up.]
Daphne: I found this in the upstairs guest room, I hope it's alright.
Niles: I thought you were going to put on some of Maris' clothes.
You know, something bulky from her wool collection.
Daphne: Well ye.. I was but she's quite a bit smaller than me. This
is all I could find that fit. Should I go look for something
else?
Niles: No, yes, no, oh you know er.. [he leans on the piano.] No,
the important thing is [rubbing his hands down it:] it's big
enough, and warm enough and sssssilky enough, and.. I have to
make a phone call.
[Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
At Frasier's apartment, the phone rings which the machine answers.
Eddie is listning to it.]
Frasier: [v.o:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening.
Niles: Frasier! Frasier! I'm having a little crisis here. Actually
a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls. Damn! [the
end tone goes whilst Eddie just sits there.]
[Scene Five - Frasier's Car.
Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are driving to the mansion of the
damned.]
Martin: This is stupid!
Frasier: It is not.
Martin: Look, nothing's going to happen between them anyway!
Frasier: What if it does? He's my brother and he loves his wife. Now,
now, I know, I know their marriage isn't everyone's cup of
tea. But on some twisted bizarre level it seems to work for
them. If Niles did something hurt to his marriage, he's the
one who would suffer. He's my brother and I won't let him
suffer!
Martin: Hey, slow down! You're going to miss the turn onto
Roosevelt.
Frasier: Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you
wouldn't give directions.
Martin: I'm not giving directions, I'm just telling you which way's
faster.
Frasier: Roosevelt'll add ten minutes.
Martin: In sunshine. In rain it's faster!
Frasier: Spatial relationships change when it rains?!
Martin: No, you've just got better traction on Roosevelt. Of course,
you wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd gotten all-
weather tires like I told you to, but no, you had to have
the fancy German car . . .
[Martin and Frasier carry on arguing about changing the tyres and the
weather.]
[Scene Six - Maris' Mansion.
Lighning strikes, and things are hotting up with Niles and
Daphne.]
Niles: We better make this last [putting wood on fire], this is all
that's left of the wood. [Daphne begins to cry.] Oh no,
don't worry, if this runs out there's an antique sideboard in
the drawing room that I think is reproduction. [she looks at
him.] Oh, it's Eric isn't it?
Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly, we weren't together long
enough for anything to really happen.
Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of
what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to
make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end. [he
feels the back of his neck.]
Daphne: [turns round to Niles:] Dr. Crane.
Niles: [passionatly:] Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire.
Niles: No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!
Daphne: [turning to the fire:] But it's down to it's last embers.
Niles: [calming down:] Well then, I'll put some wood on it.
[Scene Seven - Frasier's Car.
Meanwhile, Martin and Frasier are still arguing in the car.]
Martin: You had to keep pumping gas and now you flooded it.
Frasier: Dad, you cannot flood a fuel-injected engine. Oh this so
maddening. We're so close to the house, I can see the
gargoyles.
Martin: If we'd have taken Roosevelt..
Frasier: We'd be stuck on Roosevelt.
Martin: You never can admit it when you made a mistake could you?
Frasier: [unbuckels seatbelt.] That is it, call the auto men, I'm
gonna make a dash. [leaves:]
Martin: [shouting:] You'll make better time, if you take the short
cut by the side of the fountain. [Martin responds to one of
Frasier's actions:] Well same to you!
[Scene Eight - Maris' Mansion.
Daphne and Niles are now lying down infront of the fire, still
chatting away.]
Daphne: I suppose I just fall in love too fast. The minute I feel
that spark, I just give my heart away.
Niles: Daphne, you must stop being so hard on yourself. What you see
as a fault is also your greatest gift, to be so open, warm
and loving.
Daphne: You're so kind Dr. Crane, I'm glad we ended up like this
tonight.
Niles: So am I.
Daphne: It's just so nice to be with a man you feel so comfortable
with. I feel very close to you.
Niles: I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being
someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone
who's so close.
[Daphne has her eyes shut and Niles moves in to kiss her. However the
Glockenspiel re-awakens with it's beautiful music which stops the
kiss and reassures Niles' marriage to Maris.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!
Niles: [after confusion:] Oh, the clock! My God, it hasn't run like
this in years. Maris will be delighted. [thinking:] Maris.
Daphne: You really love her don't you?
Niles: You know I do. Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes
it's exciting and passionate, sometimes it's something else.
Something comfortable and familiar. That newly exfoliated
little face staring up at you across the breakfast table,
sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white
after Labor Day.
Daphne: I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.
Niles: [staring into Daphne's eyes:] Oh, Daphne don't worry, you are
a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will
come along, just as soon as the gods create him.
Daphne: That's the loveliest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank
you Dr. Crane, you're a good friend.
[Frasier jumps onto the terrace outside and shouts "STOP!" whilst
banging on the windows just as Daphne gives Niles a peck on the
cheak. Frasier runs in wet through.]
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: My God, have you two gone mad? You'll regret this for the
rest of your lives.
Niles: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Well the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight,
the nightie!
Daphne: [laughing:] Dr. Crane, you didn't think that Dr. Crane and I
were.. [angry:] Dr. Crane! You have some nerve to imply that
your brother would do anything so deplorable. Why, just
moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he
loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little
face.. and how they laugh at white people! [to Niles:] That
didn't sound right.
Niles: Close enough.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that, I didn't try to
imply that..
Daphne: Well then, exactly what was it you wanted us to stop doing?
Frasier: I wanted you to stop standing here in silence. A night like
this calls for music! Daphne please some wine for all of us,
Niles join me at the piano, please.
[Daphne goes and pours some wine whilst Frasier talks to Niles at the
piano.]
Frasier: Are you sure everything's alright?
Niles: Absolutely, Frasier my Glockenspiel is working again!
[End of Act Two (Time: 22:15)]
Credits:
[Niles and Frasier are playing the piano, all three of them are
singing. We see that it is still raining, and Martin comes round the
corner knocking on the windows. However, their singing drowns out
his calls and he is left out in the stormy weather.]
Transcript written by NICHOLAS HARTLEY Transcript revised by MIKE LEE Additional materials by NICHOLAS HARTLEY Edited by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
More to follow maybe ... if needed ...